Love The Way You Lie

 Love The Way You Lie

By: aphrodite

18/12/2022

 

Selena Gomez once said in her song. “They fell in love one summer. A little too wild for each other. Shiny ‘til it wasn’t. Feel good ‘til it doesn’t. It was her first real lover. His too ‘til he had another.”

Then, that’s a stop.

Because.

He never had another.

And, that’s just

And, we’re just…

It’s...

It’s exhausting.

I’m...

I’m just…

…

….

Exhausted.

It was love at the first sight. We were twenty and all we did just playing around. We were too young to know about forever. And we were just too green to think that it would last forever. Then, one day I bump into you with your boys. A group of boys who always walk around together, and laugh out loud at the most insignificant thing.

And, I’m that beautiful girl who always shines wherever I walk into the room. The kind of hot girl that left others expecting more. And, the kind of gorgeousness that left people wanting more. The combination of us was just too perfect. It feels like beautiful lyrics with a perfect synchronise arrangement. It was just perfect. We were just perfect.

And the first time we took a glance at each other. It feels like time was being slowed down, and one by one people disappeared.

The world only revolved around us.

Wasn’t that a little too exaggerated? Given how things turned out in the end? But, one thing remained the same. How I keep on going back to you, even though all we have left was just an empty shell.

Just like every couple in the world, from that day onwards, your image never fails to pop up in my mind. And, I foolishly break out a smile imagining how the future looks like if we were to hold hands. And, what it would be like if we were to slow dance together in a ballroom? And I keep on imagining how does it feel to be the only one that matters to you?

And, just like the other teenagers in the world, I keep on trying to grasp your attention. I stalk you on the internet, figuring out what’s your favourite book, your favourite sport etc. Dear, I did it all! I read the book just to figure out your mind. I looked for your favourite place to play, just to go there. Yes! I did that.

I really went there just to pretend it was a coincidence. I really went there just to pretend that we were really meant to be. And, just like the other man in the world, you finally took a look at me.

You finally noticed me!

And that’s the moment that I’ve been waiting for. That look on your face when you see your favourite book in my hand. That smile on your face. You’re smiling at me? Guess, you’ve been noticing me.

And, that’s the first time we talk to each other. Flirting with each other. Playing pull and push for a few weeks. I saw the light in your eyes every time you look at me. And, without us noticing, time already pushing us and kept us together.

A perfect couple that left people whispering across the room. The kind of couple that is called legendary.

Yes, that’s us.

Because we are just too visually perfect for each other.

Fast forward to a few months since we’ve been together. We settled down in a small house in a big city. You said that you have it all. True enough, we never have to bother to make the end meets. And then, you said you only had me. True to your words, there was nobody who seems to care.

And, I don’t know what seems to change between us. No. I don’t know what makes you change. You just changed. At first, it started with you raising your voice to an argument that seems pointless. Your voice scared me out, and it kept me silent. And, a second later, you apologised. Saying that you didn’t mean to raise your voice, you said that I keep on arguing about a pointless thing. You said I should’ve known better than to even argue about this.

It’s okay. I know I’m at fault. Because it’s just my inner child speaking. It’s just me who keeps on wanting to grasp your attention. Because it’s just a simple thing that doesn’t even need further argument.

It’s okay. Because it’s normal for him to be like that.

And, the next thing, we argue, as if rasing your voice was not enough, you almost slapped my face and left me in shock. My eye grew wide and you were just like me. We were shocked to see ourselves in that situation. How could we end up in that situation, anyway? And, the pin dropped in silence. It was the silence that I never thought I could ever been. It was the kind of situation, I could never imagine being in it.

I’m utterly shocked, and my body fell to the ground. I’m speechless and you just hold me tight. You keep on hugging me tightly and I just keep on being frozen.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Dear, I’m so sorry.”

Your kiss in my head, your tears that reached my hair. And, I just hold onto your hand tightly. And, my tears start to fall down and my mind went wild. Wondering which part of us that’s broken. Wondering how can I mend this situation. Wondering which part of me needs to be fixed. Wondering if I’m the one who leads you to this worst version of yourself.

And, the first time he hit me right across my face. And, my body stumbles across the ground after that. And, my knee was scraped because of the tar on the road. I’m surprised and he was surprised too. I cried and he cried too. This empty road is in the middle of nowhere. We were too far from home and we only had each other. It was supposed to be a vacation to rekindle our relationship back. Because our love still remains strong, but we keep on drifting apart. So, how can this supposed to be a good thing changed him and ruined us?

And, he hugged me after that. He said, “I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t know my own strength.” He apologized too many times. Spilling tears too many. They said a guy’s tears were priceless. They said, if a man cries because of you, then he really loves you.

However, from then on. Everything was a lie.

Our fights after that always end up with bruises and wounds. Sometimes, luckily it stops with him restraining himself. And, sometimes it makes me infuriatesd! Makes me challenge him! I loved him and slowly the love that was too much in me become a hatred that I could not control anymore! And, even though I was always on the receiving end, sometimes I threw the plates to him. And the sound of shattered plates feels like my shattered heart too.

We fight and then we make up. Because we cannot live without each other. And, his jealousy that slowly comes into picture keeps on killing me. Screaming out loud.

“Who’s that dude?!!!”

I don’t even know that person’s name! I never talk to strangers again! I never talk to anyone again! I tried and tried to soothe his anger! Why do we end up this way anyway?! How could we ever end up in this situation anyway?! I can’t even remember how we started now. I can’t even remember a day that passes through without us screaming at each other’s faces.

And, every single day, he promised. He promised me. That he will show restraints, that he will never break me again!

But, tomorrow come and we fight again!

And, I tried to leave you every second I breathe, just to stumble in front of you again.

“I’m sorry, I won’t ever hurt you again. Just come back! I cannot live without you by my side! I promise I will change! Don’t ever try to leave me, because I’ll be gone the day you leave that door!”

He cried, and he apologised. He speaks and damn, it sounds so sincere. He obsessed with me, and will never let me go! And, I loved him too much to never let him go! And, now my hatred was just too much, and I just wanted to break away!

He saw my tears, and he cried too. And, I’m burning away every second that I’m with him. How do we ever fall into this situation, anyway? I cannot even remember how we started.

And, every word that he speaks was a lie, because he will never change. Our days started with tears and end with tears. Our days started with regret and end with regrets. Our days started with a fight and end with fights. And, somehow, it feels like life won’t be complete if that glass wasn’t shattered. And, days won’t be over if I’m not left with scars. And, somehow, it seems I’m a masochist. Because I keep on enjoying the pain of this relationship.

But, we finally reached the end. When his fist end up almost killing me, his screams were the last thing I ever could hear. That night, he broke not only me, physically, but my heart shattered into pieces as well.

Gone into a coma, and came out alive. Hearing those fights across the corner. God, the police already surround me. My dad’s voice is too loud, and I never knew that he could be that angry. My mother’s make-up was smeared with tears, and I never knew she could be that messy.

And, the tears and his voice pleading to my family and police. It’s just the same scenario that keeps on repeating. Again and again. Feels like it was a broken cassette that keeps on repeating the same damn thing.

He said, “I rather kill myself than lose you. I will kill myself if I lose you. Come back, please.”  He pled and continuously to pled. Too loud and it reached me.

Is it a lie or is it a truth? I was too messed up to think that it will be the truth. He always lies. He always said that he doesn’t mean it. He always lies to me.

My mother hugged me so tightly and she too plead with me.

“Don’t leave me again. Don’t go back to him. I’ll be gone if I were to lose you. So, please!! Please break away from this broken relationship and come back to me! Come back to our family!”

That relationship was already broken and I already know that there was no way for me to fix it. The law was held, and the voice of the judge echoed in my ears. And, he was gone behind that bar.

I thought that it will be the end. I thought that it will be just like that. Even when my heart was broken enough and was shattered enough, I cried with him. I cried because, in the end, I’m the one who ruined his life. The guy that I fall in love with at first sight back in twenty is the same guy I ruined. What would it be like, if I were just to leave him alone at that time?

“I’m sorry to break you!! I never intend to let it get that far! I can’t live my life without you, you know about it too!! You knew me the best!!!”

Yes, we loved and we broke each other too much. Yes, I knew him but it seems like I failed to know him anymore.

His words keep on changing into a lie, and I don’t know what to believe in anymore!

And when the news of him killing himself behind that bar reached me, I stumbled on the ground. I broke tears that I never thought I will be able to do so before. I blame myself for his death.

If I were just to hold his hand again if I were to suck it up and live with him again, if I were to never succumb to my parents’ word that time, if I were to stick on my ground and keep hoping that he will change, will it become different right now?

Will the end is not the same right now? He needs me. Damn, I knew he needs me the most.

Then, I realise that it was the truth. Truth be told, no. It will be better if the truth was just untold. I was drowning under the assumption that it was a lie. I was just too overwhelmed with the thought that it will never be the truth. What if he’s only speaking the truth the entire time? What if he’s really never lied to me? Then, does it makes all of this my fault?

He left me with a wound that never ever heal.  It doesn’t even form a scab. I am dead inside. And, it infuriates me whenever my body starts to flinch whenever people raise their voices. Even that sentence is not directed to me. Even when their conversation is not related to me. And, I am furious whenever my hand flinch up instantly, to protect myself against no possible danger. Just because someone taking something above me. Just because someone wants to do a high five with me.

Just because of all those simple reasoning.

And, it really kills me whenever I feel guilty for surviving. Just because I chose to leave at that time. Just because I don’t falter at his words. Just because...

And he!

How dare he just left me alone like that?!! How dare he makes me guilty for everything that he puts me through! Just because I chose to leave!! Just because our relationship is over!! Just because I chose my life over his!

I guess Taylor Swift was right when she said what’s dead didn’t stay dead. He’s still alive every single day!! He’s still alive in my head torturing me every single day!

When does this thing ever going to end? I’m suffocated with all of those memories! I’m drowning with all of those feelings! You are still all over me like a tattoo that I could never get rid of! Your memories haunted me and could never leave me a chance to breathe! It feels like I am a broken cassette because I keep on repeating those memories and wonder what it would be like if we were to handle it differently!

This is not me! He broke me until I cannot even become me again!!

So, who’s at the fault now? Who’s supposed to be crying now? He’s gone and we could never turn the time back around.

But, I’m still here like an old rag that was left untouched. Too ugly to be held casually, but too important to be thrown away just like that.